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Waiting in the Shadows - Being the Other Woman

Unless you are or have been the other woman, it’s nearly impossible to really appreciate what it’s like. It’s right up there in terms of difficulty as, say, climbing Mount Everest with flip flops. It’s not done easily and no one can understand why you would want to do it. But you do, and you can’t help doing anything else.

I’d like to address some of the stigma around it but first cover some basics around this sensitive subject.

It’s not fair

From the beginning of time, men have found themselves in predicaments that put the woman in the middle. Men seem to be given a free ride when it comes to relationship mistakes, having more than one partner, being in love with the other woman, and pretty much doing whatever they want. Women aren’t able to glide so gracefully under the radar.

If you do anything that is out of the norm, you’re either burned at the stake (figuratively, of course) or socially shunned from your friends and family. What a man can get away with, a woman can’t even speak out loud for fear of public shame or ridicule. It will remain that way until you step out from behind the shadows.

So, instead of looking up love quotes about being the other woman, or wondering if married men love their mistresses for real, read on to truly understand the psychological truth of your situation and the world around you. The thing is, the world is not going to change overnight. And I know your motives aren’t based on some need to destroy another relationship or marriage.

You didn’t ask to fall in love with someone
who’s with someone else.

For some of you, you were always in love with them, waiting for the right time, or they left you for another, you still love them though. It never stopped. It doesn’t stop either. Love is not limited to whether or not the person that you want is with someone else. Love doesn’t fit into any box that I know of.

So, is it wrong?

Is love wrong? If it’s love, then why does it have to be this hard or have to come at the expense of someone else's happiness? It doesn’t. Love is not defined by your situation or someone else’s. It wasn’t a choice that you made either.

It happened, despite your best efforts, despite your morals, despite your upbringing, despite every single one of your friends telling you otherwise, here you are. You CANNOT stop loving this man. You cannot stop thinking, does he love the other woman? And you just CANNOT give up on him. But he’s married/engaged/dating someone else. You tell me, is love wrong? If love is not wrong, then neither is what you are doing.



waiting Shadowswaiting Shadows

TIMING

You may have a timing issue. Meaning that what you feel is right and it’s true. It’s destiny at play in every way. But the TIMING is not yet right. It’s still too soon. There is more for him to do on his end before he’s free to be with you.

I like to reference Jacob. A simple man who fell desperately in love with Rachel. He even worked seven years as more or less a servant to her father for the right to marry her. But he was tricked into marrying Leah instead. Rachel waited 14 long years for Jacob. She was technically the other woman.

Timing has nothing at all to do with
feelings, expectations or what you think should happen.

Time runs its own course. Does not answer to anyone and has the tendency of slowing down as you pay attention to it. It comes to a dead stop if you stare at it. Just because it’s true, it’s real and it’s meant to be, does not mean that it will and should happen in a time that works for you. As long as it’s true, it will happen. Just don’t obsess over the right timing! Have a relaxed relationship with it.

The Invisible Woman

Everything that you do together, if you see each other is hush hush. No one can know anything. He has his reasons. And you understand most of them. It does nothing to help with the lack of validation or the fact that you can’t share any of your happy or sad times with your friends. It will get to you. Managing this aspect of your life will be tricky. You are going to get hurt.

The lack of validation alone is enough
to drive you over the edge.

Never mind the waiting, hoping to hear from him. This is not something that you do if you have a choice. You do it because you know that you can’t do anything else. You can’t help how you feel. You are the invisible woman.

Timing Part Deux

I know. Sick of talking about timing already. It’s there though. If you knew how long it would be, you might be discouraged. You might not even want to wait around.

The greatest struggle is in not knowing.
It’s in not having any real idea of when and how.
But if you’re in it, you’re in it to win it.


You didn’t get this far by giving up or having a weak constitution. You fought to get this far.You’ll have to keep fighting. The truth is that you may not know how much longer you have.Even if you think you do, you might be wrong. Until the time is right, it’s wrong. Until things have to happen, they will not. That doesn’t mean that you're waiting for nothing. Far from it.

Every day, every moment has a deeper meaning. There are a million intricate ways that we are tied and connected to each other. Meeting when you did, as you did, connecting when and how you did had a purpose.

That purpose was not so that you could and should be together immediately.

Your life, your relationship, your journey together is not just about being together. You both also fit into a greater destiny. One that you’ll both fulfill, when the timing is right.

Nothing stays the same

Time changes everything. Seasons change, people change. So must you also change. The question is whether or not it’s for the best. Experiencing being the other woman is going to take a toll on you, emotionally and physically.

You have to strive to a better version of yourself,
to keep growing and evolving.

Tell it to me straight

It’s not wrong. What you’re doing and how you’re feeling is not wrong. But the world at large will not understand. Not in our lifetimes, if ever. You’ll have to be cautious who you share this with.

waiting Shadowswaiting Shadows
Friends and family can be helpful, to a point. But very few can really appreciate it for what it is unless, of course, they’ve been through it. The trouble with that is that some who have experienced it also gave up part of the way. In giving up, they are left with regrets and very bad memories, having felt like they’ve wasted months or even years. The biggest hit tends to be towards their ego that hasn’t yet recovered from having submitting themselves to that situation to only be seemingly left out in the cold.

DO NOT LISTEN TO ANYTHING THAT THEY SAY.

They are wrong. Plain and simple. No one can nor should attempt to discourage you from a love that you feel in your heart of hearts to be true. Especially if you’ve already gone through all the motions of losing your marbles over it. Seriously, it’s stressful! Let no one steal your joy. Let no one’s failures be projected on your own life.

Being the other woman and waiting in the shadows
is NOT a permanent situation.

It’s a temporary part of your journey. A dark one. But very much a temporary one. There are only two options. You give up and call it a day. Chalking up the time lost to experience. Or you PUSH ahead, knowing that everyday brings you a little closer, knowing that this is not all for nothing, that there is a rainbow at the end of this storm. That the darkness has to give way to light eventually.

Divine Messenger ZucoDivine Messenger Zuco
Contributing advisor:
Divine Messenger Zuco



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