Difference between love and lust in a relationship

Dear friends, I am often asked the question, "How do I know if it’s love or is it lust?" The answer to this question is not always clear and may require some introspection and investigation within your relationship. What may be love for one may not be for another, and there are different signs of lust in a man than there are signs of lust in a woman. Sometimes, we need to lose something before we truly appreciate its value.

Consider this scenario: You are seeing an amazing guy who lights up your life. He's handsome, has his life together, and seems perfect. However, when it comes to the status of the relationship, he never calls you his girlfriend, partner, or anything else. He tells you how much he's into you, but he doesn't like labels and would rather play it by ear.




You go along with it. You don’t feel that you have any other choice. It never feels like the right time to bring it up. You really enjoy your time together. The mere thought of creating any kind of discord freaks you out. So you say nothing. You might feel like if you just hang in there, he’ll eventually see and feel the same things that you do. He has too, right?

His actions say one thing, but his words say another. He means everything to you, and you can't imagine life without him. You think of him every day without question. You want more time with him, but you also respect his needs and freedom. However, if it were up to you, you would be living together by now. You want to be with him forever; you just know he's the one. Does he? How can you tell? You start looking for answers and asking what are the signs of lust? Maybe if you just keep going, it will dawn on him.

The question you need to ask is, where is his head at? Is he dreaming of a life together with you? The answer is usually no. The man is not dreaming of YOUR big day. Men generally don’t dream of getting married or fantasize about finding the right tux, who they will invite, and how grand a day it will be. When he’s with you, he’s all in, enjoying each and every moment, but he’s not focused on the future or worried about losing what he has with you.

When he leaves, what he is probably thinking about is what he'll have for dinner, work deadlines, or catching up with his friends. Sure, he thinks of you, but long-term plans are not on his radar. Unless there is a clear need for him to get married, to settle down for cultural reasons, or because he feels like his own biological clock is ticking away, he’s not going to feel anywhere as rushed as you would and might.

The truth is that many of us are getting into sexually based, no-strings-attached relationships in greater numbers than ever before. Sometimes it happens by accident. It's not what we planned, but it happened. Blame it on Tinder. You start with a quick fix to resolve loneliness, and the next thing you know, it's been three weeks and ten get-togethers. You hang out a lot more now, and you're super comfortable with one another. You just don't have a status.

What do you do?

The best way forward is to face your fear before it's too late. Talk it out with your partner. Let him know how you feel, what you want, and hope for. Consider it a negotiation, not a demand. You don't have to get answers all at once, but keep the conversation going, trying and striving to find common ground. Don’t be scared of bringing it up. Of talking. Of stating your needs, hopes, and dreams.

When you do start this conversation, intimacy is out of the question. The trouble with allowing intimacy to continue while you are negotiating is that it starts to erode your confidence. You become so much more attached, and your resolve will melt away. You might lose track of the time between conversations or stop caring for a while. Long enough for him to act insulted, shocked even that you brought it up again.



So, no sex. Yeah, it’s hard. But what do you want and believe in? If you believe in this love that you share, act like it. If you know that he is the one, then you do something about it. Don’t wait for him to awaken to his destiny and realize that his heart belongs to you. It might be too late at the rate that you’re going. You’ve already set a pattern. Sex, talk a bit, see you next week. Why should he invest more? He’s comfortable now. You’re the one imagining more. Not him. Don’t wait too long. The more it goes on, the more you will wonder if you’ve mistaken lust for love.

If he loves you, he will not resent you. He will not cut you off or walk away. Depending on the man, he may push back or take a hard-nosed approach, but most will return to the table, willing and able to come to terms with you. The better the sex and the intensity of the connection, the harder it will be for him to give it up. YOU have control here.

If he's insistent that it's a solid no, then you need to consider letting him go, at least until he knows that he wants you, nothing, and no one but you. This is where many give in, only to regret it later. As you, the woman, become more and more attached and he, the man, takes you for granted more and more. There is a major difference between love and lust in a relationship, and if you are not on the same page now, you will never be.



My dear friends, be brave and remember that love is the only thing that truly matters. Don't settle for anything less than you deserve. Love and blessings to you all.

For clarity on your own relationship and to know exactly where you stand and what to do, consider a personalized, in-depth, and detailed reading with Philip Zuco today.